How Not to Woo a Woman

September 19, 2007 at 11:25 am (Dating)

Some of my readers may remember a man from the early days of this dating experiment who turned my head, opened my nose, and generally drove me crazy, to the point where a good friend (yes, this means you, ThinMan) had to figuratively slap me in the face and tell me I was being stupid.  I was reluctant to post about this fellow, because I try not to post about the ones I like, in case they do wander over here (yes, this means you TragicCrusade).  But, I don’t like this guy anymore and so, as my coworker, Crusty, declared this morning, he is hereby Fodder for the Blog.

Honestly, I’m beginning to feel contempt for this man, whom TenFeet and I now call The Cad.  Where did he go wrong?  Well, let’s see….

  1. He stopped responding to my emails and phone calls.
  2. When he did respond, it was to offer an mp3 or a one-liner apropos of nothing that had been communicated before.
  3. He supposedly got someone pregnant during the time he was sort of courting me.
  4. He disappeared (I thought for good) for 2 weeks, during which time I met and began relationships with fantastic men who, though themselves flawed, are infinitely better than the Cad.
  5. He told me his name was Seamus Worth when it really was Seamus Vermin.*
  6. He started to woo me from a different site under the name Seamus Vermin.
  7. When I confronted him on the similarity between Seamus Worth and Seamus Vermin, he changed his name to Matthew Vermin.
  8. As Matthew Vermin, he sent me sexually charged emails demanding that I meet with him because he was horny, then he called me a coward, accused me of playing games, and told me to “Go smoke a cock.”
  9. He called me, and when I told him I was involved with someone else, he asked me to set him up with my hot Asian friend (yes, this means you, TenFeet).
  10. During that conversation it became clear to me that he was masturbating while he was on the phone with me.
  11. He accused me of ignoring him
  12. Finally, he emailed me to tell me he was bored of my games.

Earlier today I felt like I’d dodged a bullet on this one, but now I’ve come to see it’s something more like a cannonball.

*These are not his real name and real pseudonym, but they sufficiently approximate the originals.


  1. jadelaide said,

    great gravy! my worst online dating was a bad kisser from india who had planned our whole future together by the time we had finished our coffee. i see now that was a dream date.

  2. TragicCrusade said,

    1. wow so kept in line under threat of being savagely brutalized by blog um Ok. ANd also having secret identity outed well Alrighty then.

    2. As for post as instructional … If you didnt know these things as they say in the hood better ask somebody.

    Whats so funny about
    Peace Love and Understanding..

  3. TragicCrusade said,

    Also former and recovering cads everywhere resent the use of the trademark CAD device for this particular particular gent; who really doesnt qualify as diverting or charming enough for the moniker.

    As cads are not in the habit of leaving bastard children about or in sending UNSOLICITED explicit material. We perhaps are in the habit of being VERY pro birthcontrol and introducing and offering practical instruction in its use and et cetera.. (Cassanova, the Grandmaster of our order popularized the use of several methods) and of course soliciiting home brew versions of aforementioned explicit material I speak solely from distant memory of slight rakishness of course

  4. Ten Feet of Steel said,

    #9 still makes me chuckle.

  5. Ten Feet of Steel said,

    If you were a mean, vicious person, you would actually have set him up with me.

  6. Quiconque said,

    Tenfeet, he wanted you to know that he has an impressive sneaker collection. Oh, and a “cool” accent.

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