What to Wear?

February 29, 2008 at 12:12 pm (Uncategorized)

Inspired in part by Ashyknees’ recent posts about fashion and my search for a new job, I have been thinking about how to ugrade my wardrobe.   After all, if I’m looking for a grown up job, I need to start dressing like a grown up.  (Today, for example, I am wearing cargo pants, a hoodie, and sneakers.) 

Dressing like a grown up, however, presents some challenges.  I am large and in charge, that’s for sure.  I am also short.  I also seem to be large in places where most large women are not.  Why are there so many sleeveless styles in plus size?  What’s with the empire waists? 

I’ve been scouring the internet for fashion advice, and the What Not to Wear folks are always saying that clothes should be fitted around one’s narrowest part so that curves and shapeliness are emphasized.   My narrowest part is right under my bosom.  So, the empire waist should make sense in theory.  In practice, such designs make me look like I’m pregnant.  (Perhaps because my widest part is situated immediately under my narrowest part?)

The What Not to Wear folks are always putting their contestants in jackets.  A well-fitting jacket is a beautiful thing.  It’s also an elusive thing.  The perfect blazer has become my Questing Beast.  Where can I find a blazer that works with my broad shoulders, large upper arms, short arm length,  and all the business that’s going on in the front?

I just purchased this online.  Let’s see if it does the trick.


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You Asked for It

February 28, 2008 at 10:49 am (Uncategorized)

This search string brought one curious reader to my blog yesterday: “women in their 60’s with big tits.”  So, here you go.  I even threw in a little nip-slip for ya.

 To keep things fair, here’s a man in his 60s with big tits, too:

Oh man, now I want a sandwich.

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Intergalactic Planetary

February 27, 2008 at 9:47 am (Uncategorized)

The Earth is a bully.


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Damn Right, It’s Better Than Yours

February 25, 2008 at 4:25 pm (Entertainment)

I enjoyed this so much that it actually made me glad that I sat through the unending assault that was There Will Be Blood.

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Happy Birthday, Nina Simone

February 21, 2008 at 5:30 pm (Entertainment)

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Settle THIS!

February 19, 2008 at 4:40 pm (Dating)

This makes me so angry I could stab someone.   Gottlieb’s analysis is so frustratingly idiotic, even her pop-culture references are wrong.  In Friends, Rachel’s ex-fiance, Barry, was NOT a “nice guy.”  He was a cheater.  Is this the type of man I should be settling for?  Gah. I think I’ve found the topic of my next lesson.

Here’s another reason not to take relationship advice from the “experts” on MSN.


TragicCrusade asked me to explain what makes me so angry about Gottlieb’s article, aside from the fact that I think she’s an idiot.  Here are my preliminary thoughts:

1) This article feeds on and reinforces the idea that ALL single women in their 30s and up are desperate for marriage: “every woman I know — no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure — feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried.”
2) The author treats her readers with contempt.  Whereas she has built her argument on her own experience, she discounts the different perspectives her readers might bring to her article:  “And all I can say is, if you say you’re not worried, either you’re in denial or you’re lying. In fact, take a good look in the mirror and try to convince yourself that you’re not worried, because you’ll see how silly your face looks when you’re being disingenuous.”
3) Her illustrative examples are all from television shows.  If a woman in her 30s is really letting tv define her ideas of love and/or marriage, then the advice in this article is not going to change her perspective.
4) What is “settling,” anyway?  Is it settling to acknowledge that looks and charisma are superficial characteristics that do not guarantee happiness?  Or is that just a mature outlook on relationships?  Is it settling to partner up with a man who has demonstrated he is meanspirited and disrespectful on the first date, just because you’re afraid to be alone?  Is it settling to marry a man who you know is gay?
5) The article is based on so many awful assumptions, first among them that women over 30 have diminished value: “After all, wouldn’t it have been wiser to settle for a higher caliber of “not Mr. Right” while my marital value was at its peak?”  It also assumes that single women and single mothers have no other emotional outlet or sources of support other than men.  No man=lonely, unfulfilled, and harried life. 
6) She never once mentions what these women are bringing to the relationship.  She advises women to lower their expectations regarding the mates they choose, but doesn’t talk about women’s expectations about their own roles in the relationship.  The only thing a woman in her 30s is bringing to the relationship is a face full of wrinkles and an aging womb, acc. to the article.  How dare she be choosy?
These are just off the top of my head.  I’m sure I’ll have more to say when I discuss this article in class next week.

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For TragicCrusade

February 14, 2008 at 1:51 pm (Work)

A little perspective: http://www.qwantz.com/archive/001161.html

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A Valentine’s Day Story

February 14, 2008 at 10:37 am (Dating)

My seventh grade teacher, the severe Sister Regina, decided that we students should tack our valentines to the bulletin board instead of depositing them anonymously in a cardboard box covered with red wrapping paper which served as a makeshift mailbox in other classrooms.  This had much potential for disaster.

However, the very public nature of the valentine distribution also made possible efforts to curtail the damage.   A quick look at the bulletin board revealed that, while the more glamorous of my classmates had received multiple cards, most of the students in the class had none.  So, I went to the five-and-dime and bought a box of cartoon valentines and addressed one for each student in the class.  That way, I thought, no one would feel left out.

Sister Regina was truly a sadistic woman, because instead of letting us claim our valentines en masse, she called each student up to the bulletin board individually.  And so, one by one, each of my classmates went to the board.  Some came back to their seats with several cards, some came back with only one or two, but no one came back empty handed. 

And then she called on me.  I stood up, and I could see that none of the remaining cards had my name on it.  So, I stayed where I was and told her, “No, there isn’t anything up there for me.”  She insisted that I approach the board and look closely.  Again, I told her that I didn’t have a card on the board.  Then she demanded that I walk up to the front of the room and check the bulletin board.   And so I did.  And you know what I found?  Nothing.  There was no Valentine’s Day card for me on that bulletin board.

Now, I would like to say that I learned some valuable lesson like “It’s better to give than to receive.” Or that I stood up for myself and called Sister Regina out for being the hateful bitch that she was.  But I cannot remember what happened after I took my seat.  Chances are, I just sulked. 

My Valentine’s Days since then have been markedly better.  I recall quite fondly the day in college when Ashy, Abraham, and Janice all decorated their dining service heart-shaped cakes in honor of me.  (The one I frosted for myself read “Hate Cake,” btw).  Well after graduation, Ashy spent another Valentine’s Day chez moi, and brought her friend Yanni to the party.  My friend Eva came up from DC.  We ate pink M&Ms and wrote Star Wars valentine cards to each other.   It turned into one big sleepover.  I remember the Valentine’s Day party just before I went to Paris.  The Thin Man planned to film a stripper scene during the party, and we warned all the guests to bring one-dollar bills.  Alas, the actor was too shy to show up.  But we had the most decadent home-made desserts–chocolate tart and clafoutis.

This year someone sent me flowers.  He’s trying to pretend it’s a mystery.  But I’m too clever for a secret admirer.  He can’t fool me, acting like the tulips are from my Dutch husband.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.  

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Niche Dating, Meh

February 11, 2008 at 12:37 pm (Dating)

After many inappropriate chats, several disturbing invitations to join a dom/sub relationship (as the sub), and countless profiles reading “I’ll tell you later; send me a message,” I’ve decided to cancel my subscription to a niche dating site that caters to black folks and the people who love them.  The fact that I met Chicken Slinger through this site should have been a sign that this wasn’t the right venue for me.   I found myself, over the past few months, getting more discouraged by and fed up with pictures of shirtless men posing in front of cars (their own or someone else’s), profiles listing “has 5 children; lives with 0,” and guys claiming they are in their mid-40s when their pictures show the grizzled and time-worn faces of men in their 60s.  The final straw was a flirt from a man with the elegant screen name of “I like’em big tits 34 DD.”  Charming.

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Happy Year of the Rat

February 7, 2008 at 4:18 pm (Fauna Files)

In honor of the Year of the Rat, I bring to you the most frightening film I have ever seen in my entire life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LMxhc8WwGU .

I remember seeing this on TV when it first aired.  I have never recovered.  I can’t even bear to embed the video.

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