Happy Halloween!

October 31, 2008 at 8:46 am (Uncategorized)

The student at the front desk took one look at my costume and asked me if I was Charlie Chaplin.

Considering that I am dressed up as Aaron Neville, complete with tattooed arms and big-ass mole on my forehead, I really don’t know what to say.

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Happy Half-Anniversary

October 29, 2008 at 1:51 pm (der Fuß)

It was six months ago yesterday that I went under the knife to fix this broken foot. 

I celebrated by unwittingly doing most of my exercises in physical therapy yesterday with my pants undone.  Whoo hoo.

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10 Things I’ve Done that You Probably Haven’t

October 27, 2008 at 10:53 am (Uncategorized)

I saw this meme on Salmon’s blog and I had to chime in.

1. Dislocated and shattered the navicular bone in my right foot.
2. Punched a man on the NYC subway.
3. Drove around Washington Heights with a man clinging to the roof of the car and banging at the windows with a machete.
4. Pulled a dead mouse out of a sink drain with my bare hands.
5. Ate an entire pie.
6. Had sexy times in an Ikea parking lot with a man in a wheelchair.
7. Was the valedictorian of my kindergarten graduation.
8. Refused the advances of a woman on the subway who wanted to “lean against me for warmth.”
9. Got into a cursing match with someone in Disney’s MGM theme park.
10. Accrued so many library fines that the NYPL PD came to my house to shake me down.

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Dickish

October 27, 2008 at 8:56 am (Dating)

I had a date with a man last Thursday.  It went well.  He was good-looking (resembles Courtney Vance), good smelling, polite, interesting, and…he paid for dinner, which is very rare among my first dates.   We even enjoyed a lovely kiss at the close of the date. 

On Friday and Saturday we discussed the possibility of seeing each other again over the weekend.  Sunday seemed like the best day, and in between flirty texts, he said he would call me Sunday afternoon to settle on a time and place. 

Here is a transcript of Sunday afternoon’s texts:

Him: Hi

Me: What’s up?

Him: Nothing’s changed.

Me: What does that mean?

Him: Nothing

Me: I’m sorry, but you’re being a little cryptic.  When you say, “nothing’s changed” do you mean you still don’t know whether you’re free this evening or are you talking about something else?

Him (20 minutes later): I don’t appreciate being called cryptic.*

Me: I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to offend you.  I guess you’re busy.  I’ll talk to you later.

Him: For a smart lady, you make a lot of assumptions.

Me: Help me understand, then.

Him (20 minutes later): There’s nothing to help you with.  I told you I’d call you this afternoon about going out this evening.  That has not changed.  Your comments and assumptions are inappropriate.

All right then!  No need for me to answer that text message, or any more from that man!  (And don’t get me started on the ridiculousness of a 45-year-old man conducting conversations via text).  As Ichi commented, “I’m sorry he showed his ass so quickly, but better you learn that about him now than later.”

*La Belle Helene posits, “He doesn’t understand the word ‘cryptic.’ He thought you were calling him the Crypt-Keeper.”

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I Knew It!

October 23, 2008 at 9:59 am (Uncategorized)

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081023/ap_on_sc/sci_scotch_tape_surprise

Okay, I’ll admit that I didn’t quite know that Scotch tape emitted x-rays in a vacuum. However, I do remember trying to tell people when I was little that Scotch tape emitted a faint green glow right at the point of contact when I peeled it in the dark. No one believed me. They thought I was crazy. But I wasn’t crazy. I am NOT crazy. Stop thinking that. Shut up.

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Dinner of Mortification

October 13, 2008 at 1:17 pm (Dating)

I’ve been bemoaning my romantic dry spell lately, but Elizabeth’s latest entry reminds me that eating dinner by myself staring out my kitchen window is not necessarily a bad thing.

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Muliebrity, a Cause Worth Fighting For

October 8, 2008 at 2:40 pm (Uncategorized)

http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/books/article4799560.ece

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Message Received: I Look Like Crap

October 5, 2008 at 9:51 pm (Uncategorized)

Thank you, unfeeling universe, for telling me that I must be looking like shit lately.  To wit:

  1. Date notices and comments on my mustache.
  2. During my latest job interview, it is revealed that one of the interviewers and I went to the same high school, although she graduated 10 years before me.   The third interviewer arrives late, and when he is informed that we all have the same high school in common, he comments, “Oh, I probably taught you.  I was teaching there in the late ’60s and the early ’70s.”
  3. I see a dermatologist on Friday about a mole on the sole of my foot.  She gives a cursory glance at my foot, and then, with her back to me, she snarls, “You want me to give you something for your face?”

Yeah, apparently a paper bag.

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Schoolyard Lessons

October 2, 2008 at 8:55 am (Entertainment)

Parents, please don’t raise your children in isolation. Growing up as only child on a tugboat sounds fun in a Pippi Longstocking sort of way, but this is what happens.*   Children need peers to teach them that obnoxious behavior results in a lack of friends. A parent’s love is supposed to be unconditional, but other kids will cut you off for being a jerk.

Speaking of jerks, what was up with each of the remaining contestants on Project Runway last night? In the workroom they were talking all big and bad, hiding their leftover tulle, and sniping at each other’s designs, but once they got in front of the judges they started bawling like infants. Nina says a gown looks unfinished and the tears start to flow. It made me think of grammar school. I was waiting for Sister Catherine to step in and tell them she was unimpressed by their waterworks. As we used to say on the hopscotch grid, they can dish it out, but they can’t take it.

*If you read Kenley’s bio, you’ll see that she has two other sisters.  On the program last night, however, she claimed to have grown up with just her father on the boat and blamed her lack of social skills on that experience.

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