Can’t Be Worse than Vampire Teen Romance

February 23, 2009 at 2:52 pm (Entertainment)

I think I might have to read this.

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Unwatchable

January 26, 2009 at 11:43 am (Entertainment)

So, The Last Templar makes The Librarian look like Lord of the Rings. We gave it seven minutes before we switched to the Travel Channel and watched some stocky fellow try to eat 12 pounds of cheeseburger and fries.

Now I have to wonder, are the miniseries of my youth just as awful? Have my memories of them been clouded by nostalgia and the excitement of getting to stay up late (my bedtime was 9 pm until I was about 14 years old)? Would I cringe to see Marco Polo, Shogun, The Last Days of Pompeii, The Wall, North and South, or even V again?

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Going Back to Cali, to Cali, to Cali

January 20, 2009 at 8:15 pm (Entertainment)

That’s right.  SuperFudge and I are going back to SF next month because of this. As participants, we’ve been invited to a reception where we’ll get a piece of the exhibit to display in our own homes. Scroll through the portraits here and see if you recognize two round-faced New Yorkers.

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Netflix Slugabed

January 6, 2009 at 1:35 pm (Entertainment)

I spent my delicious winter break in bed, playing the Sims2 and watching movies online.  Fifty hours of BBC/Masterpiece Theatre period dramas have taught me a few things:
  • Poor people are dirty, brutish, miserable wretches. The more miserable and brutish they are, the dirtier they are. Evil poor people have terrible teeth. Not merely crooked or missing, but stained brown with several layers of tartar, as if they clean their teeth with soil. The more evil they are, the worse their teeth, especially if it’s a mini-series based on a Charles Dickens novel.
  • Among the filthy, teeming horde of the miserable poor, there are always one or two people, who, despite their mean circumstances, manage to merit upper class attentions. You can identify these worthy folks immediately because they 1) are cleaner than anyone else, and 2) speak proper English.
  • The worthiest of poor women will not only be pretty, clean, and well-spoken. She will also not care about money. That way the young hero knows she’s marrying him because she loves him, not because she’s a grasping harlot. People who care about money will come to a bad end. Only those who do not think of money deserve it.
  • People really like going to Bath.
  • It helps if the poor maiden you are planning to espouse is an orphan. That way you only have to worry about elevating your wife, and there are no pesky embarrassing relations to deal with.
  • You may discover that the worthy poor person you have fallen in love with is actually a noble(wo)man unbeknownst to even him/herself. Good breeding will out, of course!
  • If someone coughs, even once, he or she is marked for death.
  • Being able to play the piano is an important skill for a young lady, but a serious, thoughtful, young lady–one who is clearly the most deserving of the hero’s love–will be sure to mention that she does not play as well as her rival can.

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Schoolyard Lessons

October 2, 2008 at 8:55 am (Entertainment)

Parents, please don’t raise your children in isolation. Growing up as only child on a tugboat sounds fun in a Pippi Longstocking sort of way, but this is what happens.*   Children need peers to teach them that obnoxious behavior results in a lack of friends. A parent’s love is supposed to be unconditional, but other kids will cut you off for being a jerk.

Speaking of jerks, what was up with each of the remaining contestants on Project Runway last night? In the workroom they were talking all big and bad, hiding their leftover tulle, and sniping at each other’s designs, but once they got in front of the judges they started bawling like infants. Nina says a gown looks unfinished and the tears start to flow. It made me think of grammar school. I was waiting for Sister Catherine to step in and tell them she was unimpressed by their waterworks. As we used to say on the hopscotch grid, they can dish it out, but they can’t take it.

*If you read Kenley’s bio, you’ll see that she has two other sisters.  On the program last night, however, she claimed to have grown up with just her father on the boat and blamed her lack of social skills on that experience.

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You Got Guns, I Got Guns

September 17, 2008 at 9:57 am (Entertainment)

TenFeet and I gonna be shootin’ up North Jersey in 3 weeks.  Folks better duck!

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Brainteaser

September 9, 2008 at 11:15 am (Entertainment)

La Belle Helene, SuperFudge, and I were talking about movies the other night and Milla Jovovich came up.  We discovered that we were hard pressed to find 5 movies that she’s starred in where she doesn’t wake up disoriented in a medical facility of some kind and has to come to grips with her superhuman powers.  Without consulting IMDB, can any of you?

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Women Can Be Haters, Too

July 29, 2008 at 9:19 am (Entertainment)

I have got to stop reading Yahoo news.  I can’t help clicking on the stupid headlines that emerge when I check my email.   But for my own peace of mind, I need to resist them.  Honestly, aside from the authors of my textbook, there isn’t a lazier group of published writers in the English language.

Today’s tidbit concerns a new SONY game, Fat Princess, which, acc. to Yahoo,

is a capture-the-flag game with a twist: you can thwart capture attempts by locking the once-thin princess in a dungeon and stuffing her full of cake, thereby increasing her girth and making her harder for your enemies to haul back to home base.

As you can imagine, this game doesn’t win fans among feminists and fat-acceptance activists.   As one female gameplayer eloquently commented,

Anyway, congrats on your awesome new game, Sony. I’m positively thrilled to see such unyielding dedication to creating a new generation of fat-hating, heteronormative assholes. It’s not often I have the opportunity to congratulate a cutting-edge tech company on such splendiferous retrofuck jackholery. Way to go! The Fat Princess of Shakes Manor salutes you. Source: LindseyIndigo on Current.com

“Splendiferous retrofuck jackholery.”  That is sublime.

An interview with SONY art director, James Green, revealed that the creator of Fat Princess is, GASP, a woman!  In response to which the extremely enlighted Ben Silverman muses,

Hmmm…hope the game’s detractors don’t mind eating a bit of crow.

Right, because feminism is women against men.  And women never act or think in ways that block their own emancipation.  And fat people never experience discrimination from women.  Women love everyone, especially other women.

Splendiferous retrofuck jackholery, indeed.

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Dear Movie Producers

July 17, 2008 at 9:58 pm (Entertainment)

If there already exists a multipart miniseries that is widely considered to be the DEFINITIVELY EXCELLENT  (or excellently definitive) film version of a book, please do not bother making a flimsy 2 hour movie about the same book.  It didn’t work for Pride and Prejudice and it’s not going to work for Brideshead Revisited.

I love Emma Thomspon, but for me, Claire Bloom is the only Lady Marchmain.

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Movie Equation

July 1, 2008 at 12:18 am (Entertainment)

(Fight Club + Lara Croft Tombraider + Star Wars)/ The Matrix – PhysicsSense = WANTED

 

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