A Dialectic Like Any Other

August 30, 2008 at 10:18 am (Dating)

I stumbled across this gem on someone’s OKCupid profile.  The graphic is a little intense and the text moves too quickly for a slow reader, but the music is awesome, as is the content.


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But Not With Me

August 29, 2008 at 9:19 am (Dating)

Last night Ichi told me that he is in love and is considering getting married!

Hurray for Ichi.  And while I am genuinely happy for him, I can’t help feeling a little sorry for myself.  So I called my other ex for some solace and got the worst pep talk ever.  I think I understand what he was trying to do, but it was just the wrong stuff at the wrong time.

How to cheer me up: A Primer

If I call you in the middle of the night and tell you of some heartbreak, here are some things you can do:

  • Feel free to question the intelligence and taste of any man who would prefer another woman over me, especially after getting to know me for some time.
  • Remind me that he and I were fundamentally incompatible in significant ways.  (Ichi’s 4 cats vs. my debilitating cat allergy, for example).
  • Email me amusing videos from Mr. Pregnant‘s oeuvre.
  • Give me chocolate.
  • Recount the many ways I am awesome.

What NOT to do:

  • Compare my experiences with Sex in the City.
  • Remind me about the other areas of my life that suck like my job and lack of academic progress.
  • Mention the woman you left me for.
  • Start ranting about some work-related stuff.
  • Give me advice on what to ask the next guy I date to make sure he’s not in love with someone else.

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Starting Early

August 28, 2008 at 3:43 pm (Uncategorized)

On my drive in to work, the Bronx River Parkway smelled like barbecue.

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August 27, 2008 at 3:48 pm (anthropology)

I started teaching again this past Monday.  At one point in the lecture, we were discussing cultural assimilation.  I mentioned to the students that I’d been studying “culture” for as long as most of them had been alive, and it would be difficult to put 5 anthropologists in a room and have them reach a consensus on what constituted culture. 

Upon hearing this, the students expressed disbelief, not at the ambiguity of the concept of culture, but at my advanced age.  “Yes,” I assured them, “I started college in 1987.”

My announcement was met with a ripple of audible gasps.  Heads in the back rows swung around dramatically to get a look at the teacher who was pretty much where they are now in their lives in 1987.

Perhaps they were astounded that I have too much youthful energy and good looks for one so aged?

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Better than Netflix

August 25, 2008 at 9:03 am (Uncategorized)

Do you have unviewed DVDs languishing in red envelopes on top of your TV, like I do?  Did you watch part of a piece of crap on cable over the weekend and need to know how the stupid thing ended?  Do you fear that you are alone in your contempt for some cinematic fluff that The Hollywood Machine wants to convince you is good?  No need to suffer alone or watch bad movies on your own! GunMonkey is here to help. He’s taking reader requests this week. Go over there, quick as a bunny, and nominate some dog of a film for him to review. He did a wonderful job explaining the spaceship-wreck that is Star Trek: Nemesis for me. He will treat your request with similar care, I assure you!

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August 24, 2008 at 1:40 am (der Fuß)

Someone was in the kitchen (without Dinah) and needed to get something in the other room.  So, she stood up and walked across the kitchen.  But her right foot was acting weird.   She had to steady herself on the fridge.  “What the hell?” she thought.  And looked back at the crutches leaning against the counter.

I forgot I was disabled there, for a moment, and tried to walk normally.  But, at least I know I haven’t been faking it all these weeks.  My foot is not quite there yet.

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Two Observations about Food

August 20, 2008 at 12:22 pm (Uncategorized)

It is disheartening indeed to struggle through a flavorless blended yogurt only to discover that it was really fruit-on-the-bottom.

If your mother descends upon your slightly-above-dorm-room kitchen to make turnovers out of the expensive cherries languishing in your fridge and finds that you own neither flour nor corn starch, the cherry filling can be thickened quite nicely with some ground up ginger snaps.

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My Chat with a Bot

August 20, 2008 at 9:51 am (Dating)

Two days ago I participated in a chat with a “man” I met on an ethnic niche dating site.  As usual, the chat was clunky and unstimulating, which I had at first attributed to his lack of English proficiency.  He asked me a series of questions, which I quickly figured out were culled from Eharmony: “What qualities do you look for in a potential mate?” and “Discuss your spirituality.”  His questions never built upon my replies, even though I left them open-ended so as to encourage further dialogue.  When he revealed that his favorite pasttime is to read the bible and that he enjoys reading romance novels, I knew the time had come to end the chat.  Clearly, there was no there there.

The next day, I received this note from him:

How is your day going..i Just thought I’d write you a short note to tell you how much I enjoyed meeting you.  I can’t recall when I had a more pleasant time. Everything felt so natural, and you were very easy to talk to. It’s hard for me to identify what it is about you that attracts me so. I suppose it might be the combination of your great sense of humor, your charming personality and your good-looks. Whatever it is, I can sense its presence. You could call it chemistry, or better yet, the possibility that we are on the same wavelength.  I really hope that our is gonna be so sweet because I felt very special when I was chatting with you. I truly want to give our friendship a chance to grow. Well, I guess I’ve said enough for the time being, have a wonderful evening and, hopefully, I’ll talk to you again real soon. If you get a chance, write me and tell me your thoughts.  Until I hear from you, take care of yourself.

As Joe Dirt would say, “Whuuut?!”  So, I wrote him and told him my thoughts, which were pretty much, “Did we participate in the same chat?  Because I felt no chemistry, and we have nothing in common.”  Good day to you sir, and farewell!

This morning I did a search on some of the phrases in his letter and got a hit on a dating scam site.

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Disturbing and Disappointing

August 19, 2008 at 3:24 pm (Uncategorized)

Ashyknees is not the only one to have bizarre celebrity dreams.  This morning I dreamt I was in a Seinfeld episode.  Yes, my dreamstate is trapped in the ’90s. 

In this episode, Jerry was dating Jenny McCarthy.  Jerry and Jenny were sitting on his couch, complaining about being blacklisted by a custom shoemaker.   It was a mark of distinction to have shoes made by this cobbler, but the man refused to serve Jenny (and by extension, Jerry) again because Jenny misrepresented the width of her feet.  She claimed to be AAA but she was really EEE, and was caught sneaking shoes out of the triple-wide bin. 

Jerry, hearing that Jenny had such freakishly wide feet, got all squeamish as he usually does when it comes to people’s bodies and started twitching and flinching like an idiot.  So, Jenny took off her shoes and started tormenting Jerry by touching him with her extra wide feet.  One foot only had 4 toes, but together they were just as wide as the toes on the other foot.  Jerry started to scream and tried to break up with her.  She ran into his bedroom and put on all his clothes and rubbed her feet all over his stuff.

Then Kramer came in with a hair-brained petition he wanted us to sign.

Then Jerry and I kissed.  EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!  Oh my god, I am so horrified.

But that was boring, so I said to the other folks that if anyone was looking for me, I was going to take a nap.  And then I went to sleep in the dream, just as my alarm woke me up in the real world.

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August 19, 2008 at 3:08 pm (Uncategorized)

If you don’t regularly click Accismus in my blogroll, you should. Elizabeth’s latest entry brings me great pleasure indeed.

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