Disturbing and Disappointing

August 19, 2008 at 3:24 pm (Uncategorized)

Ashyknees is not the only one to have bizarre celebrity dreams.  This morning I dreamt I was in a Seinfeld episode.  Yes, my dreamstate is trapped in the ’90s. 

In this episode, Jerry was dating Jenny McCarthy.  Jerry and Jenny were sitting on his couch, complaining about being blacklisted by a custom shoemaker.   It was a mark of distinction to have shoes made by this cobbler, but the man refused to serve Jenny (and by extension, Jerry) again because Jenny misrepresented the width of her feet.  She claimed to be AAA but she was really EEE, and was caught sneaking shoes out of the triple-wide bin. 

Jerry, hearing that Jenny had such freakishly wide feet, got all squeamish as he usually does when it comes to people’s bodies and started twitching and flinching like an idiot.  So, Jenny took off her shoes and started tormenting Jerry by touching him with her extra wide feet.  One foot only had 4 toes, but together they were just as wide as the toes on the other foot.  Jerry started to scream and tried to break up with her.  She ran into his bedroom and put on all his clothes and rubbed her feet all over his stuff.

Then Kramer came in with a hair-brained petition he wanted us to sign.

Then Jerry and I kissed.  EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!  Oh my god, I am so horrified.

But that was boring, so I said to the other folks that if anyone was looking for me, I was going to take a nap.  And then I went to sleep in the dream, just as my alarm woke me up in the real world.


  1. Ten Feet of Steel said,

    Yeah, Seinfeld was a bit OCD, and often in a misogynistic way. People who think women’s bodies are disgusting as soon as they show signs of deviating from some sort of sanitized ideal… feh.

  2. GunMonkey said,

    Recently I dreamt I was enlisted by the robots from MST3K to reunite them with Joel, who apparently had some hard feelings that the show continued to thrive after he left. “But you’re not real,” I told them. “Sure we are!” Tom Servo replied. “Well, how about that.” I said. I was an easy sell.

    Anyway, it became a quid pro quo thing out of a romantic comedy where I’d reunite them with Joel so they could relaunch the TV show and they’d help me win the girl of my dreams, who, of course, was oblivious to me. At some point they goaded me infiltrating a Secret Service detail to I could spy on her and her date as they had dinner in a fancy restaurant. Later, I somehow ended up standing naked in front of the Mayflower hotel in downtown D.C. “Huh,” I said to myself. “This really should not happen to a guy more than twice in one week.”

    It was actually sort of fun.

  3. ashyknees said,

    Freaky. Was this one of those dreams where you oscillate between being a viewer and being an actor?

  4. Quiconque said,

    GunMonkey, I much preferred Joel to Mike.

    Ashy, I was sitting in the living room, listening to them tell the story of the shoemaker, and then watching the shenanigans. As far as the kiss, well, in the immortal words of MamaAss, “I didn’t leave the room soon enough.”

  5. Ten Feet of Steel said,

    My celebrity dreams often involve having unexpected coffee with celebs and scolding them gently about their wildly distorted world views or career choices. I’ve lectured both Sting and Colin Farrell in this way. I once talked Brad Pitt out from under a bar, where he was hiding from the riff raff and showed him that ordinary Parisians (Why was I in Paris?) would pretty much leave him alone.

    Last night, I was drafted into the army, and people kept trying to kill me. I was incredibly annoyed, because the damn army made me keep a gps device on me, and unknown enemies were tracking me through it. Also, the standard issue pants they gave me were very uncomfortable, and I was sad about that. As I made my escape from a nondescript diner, I saw a fellow draftee trying to throw herself at Bono. She was sniffing his cologne as I was fleeing. “Careful!,” I warned him, “she’s kind of crazy, and she’s terribly indiscreet.” And then I finally decided that, regulations be damned, I was going to stop carrying the gps device on my person. Bono was very short.

  6. Quiconque said,

    Tenfeet, thank you for setting those white male celebrities straight!

  7. Ten Feet of Steel said,

    Realization: in my dreams I play the role of the Wise/Magical Black Person for these white male celebrities.

  8. GunMonkey said,

    That’s how I’ve always seen you.

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