Small World

March 12, 2008 at 11:24 am (Dating)

I was perusing the profiles on a free dating site yesterday and found one that struck my eye.  The man in question was handsome, urbane, intelligent, well-read, witty, self-deprecating, and other good stuff.  His profile was strangely familiar.  I wrote him an email introducing myself and explaining the sense of deja vu I felt when I first saw his picture.

He replied (which is becoming rarer and rarer.  What is it with guys who don’t answer emails?) that he didn’t think we would work out.  He went on to explain why: what I had sensed was not deja vu.  I probably recognized him because he dated TenFeet last year!

When I told TenFeet about it, she insisted, “Run.  Run.  Do not date this man. I am doing you a favor, trust me.” 



  1. TragicCrusade said,

    Self deprecating is good???

    I see where my failures have me going so horribly wrong

    Oh poo I cant even get that right 🙂

  2. Quiconque said,

    Yes, self-deprecating is good, as opposed to a recent would-be-suitor who insisted that he is always right. Arrogance=not good.

  3. TragicCrusade said,

    Arrogance is like salt — a little is good

    alot is a hot mess

  4. ashyknees said,

    Would you ever date a friends former fella, assuming that she hadn’t warned you against it and, of course, the guy was willing?

  5. Ten Feet of Steel said,

    He was hardly my former fella.

    Remember the guy I went on a few great dates with and then, when I didn’t call him back within a day or fall immediately and madly in love with him, turned into a crazy man who sent me increasingly resentful and suspicious e-mails until my spider sense was tingling so hard I decided to stop seeing him? Then he sent me three or four LONG-ass, wounded e-mails calling me a liar, a slut, and a heartless predator out to “take down nice guys”?

    Yeah, I thought he was pretty handsome and charming, too, at first.

    And my brain kept saying, “But he’s so handsome and charming,” even as his behavior devolved far past what I would normally consider acceptable behavior in someone with whom I’d ultimately been on three dates.

    These days, I find I’m overly wary about niceness and am much more careful to determine whether it’s a cover for a control freak, a would-be emotional blackmailer, or just a general mess.

    As for dating former fellas, my opinion is “generally no, but everything depends”. There are some friends whose exes I would never, ever, date under any circumstances. There are some friends whose exes I might date if the friend were happy in a different relationship and really felt that things were happily put to rest between her and the ex. And in that case, I would only date that person if that friend were someone I knew would be honest to me if I asked whether it was OK to date that person. But if there were any sadness or resentment lingering the friend over that ex, then definitely not. And if that ex had been an ass to my friend (other than the usual saying stuff you regret when you fight thing that we all do), I wouldn’t consider dating him, not only because he was an ass to my friend, but also because, well, he’s clearly an ass.

    I don’t believe people have claims on everyone they used to date or anything. Conversely, I also think it’s OK for people to admit that they don’t not want their friends to date their exes or a particular ex. When it comes to deciding my own actions, I just think that it’s more important to be on good terms with my friends and not risk causing them pain if I can help it than to satisfy my curiosity about a man.

    Of course, things can be more complicated if the friend, the ex, and I are all friends, but an attraction develops between me and the ex. Then there is friendship on all sides and the matter becomes much more complicated. But thankfully, this situation is rare for adults in their thirties. I haven’t come across it.

  6. Quiconque said,

    Ashy, in answering your question, I agree with TenFeet. There are many circumstances under which I would not date a friend’s ex: if there were lingering feelings (both negative and positive) between them, if they have a child, if the breakup were particularly acrimonious, if the break-up were caused by anything other than a mutual decision that things weren’t working out (i.e., no cheating, lying, abuse, stealing), if the break-up were recent. I would not want to make my friend unhappy (or even uncomfortable) in my pursuit of romance.

  7. Ten Feet of Steel said,

    I just realized my comment is all full of weird typos. I’m sorry–I was typing it in between other tasks. I meant that I think it’s OK for people to admit to not wanting their friends to date their exes. It’s actually better, in my opinion, when people are honest about that kind of thing.

  8. Quiconque said,

    FYI, I never met the guy when he was dating TenFeet. I guess I must have seen his MySpace profile or something.

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