Emotionally Retarded

June 27, 2007 at 3:41 am (Dating)

Those of you who know me know that I have a limited range of affect. Oh, I feel things very deeply, and I am quite in touch with my rage and its expressions. I understand and can deal with the feelings one gets in the gut: disgust, contempt, trepidation, anxiety. But the emotions one tends to feel in the chest, those emotions make me vulnerable, and do not feature largely in my repertoire. I have no tools for dealing with them when they do pop up, and I’m always reduced to a blubbering infant or a gushing schoolgirl whenever I have to face them.

Internet dating has revealed to me the extent of my emotional retardation. Good lord it’s been a rollercoaster, and I have to tell you that I’ve been doing this for nine days. NINE DAYS. Perhaps my temperament is not suited to internet dating.

First of all, if there ever was a doubt, I am incapable of dealing with delayed gratification. Internet dating is too similar to internet shopping. If I wink at a boy, should it not be as if I’ve dropped him into my virtual shopping cart? Imagine my surprise when the boys I found interesting did not wink back! No one loves me, my teenage heart cried. Pish tosh replied my rational brain. But, if you remember your teenage years, rationality has little influence over a teenage girl in the midst of a self-hating funk.

Get back on the horse is what I’ve heard most. Plenty of fish in the sea, and other fauna themed advice. Easier said than done.

Yes, I know, it’s been only NINE days. However, today I had to tell a guy I’d been emailing for a few days that I didn’t think it would work out. Sending that email, and getting his disappointed reaction, broke my heart more than anything else I’d been through during this nine-day enterprise.

God, once you open this thing up, it just lets everything in, doesn’t it?

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6 Comments

  1. Ten Feet of Steel said,

    Think of it as shopping at Trader Joe’s. You’re intrigued by some lime chili peanuts, so you buy a small package. Later, you realize that they’re incredibly tasty, and go back to buy in bulk…only to discover that the product has been discontinued because the remote Peruvian tribe of organic peanut farmers from which Trader Joe’s has sourced the product has decided to switch to farming alpaca wool instead. Or those dried blueberries that seemed like such a good idea when you bought them on a whim may end up being leathery and tasteless when you actually pour them on your yogurt.

    As for the poor man whom you turned down, you are teaching him to cope with rejection, something that we must all risk in the pursuit of romance.

  2. yoko said,

    Heh– I was thinking that you should treat it like a video game. Maybe like Space Invaders– they’re a bunch of aliens out there that you’re trying to hit. Some you get, some you don’t, but they somehow keep coming towards Earth.

    To be honest, I never understood the winking thing. I never used it.

    Don’t lose heart, Qui! We’re here for you.

  3. charismaticmegafauna said,

    Well, I just got a message from a man who offered to “do me over the weekend.” God’s wounds, this whole situation is bizarre.

  4. Mama Ass said,

    I have no advice as my experiments with relationships predate the internet, but I’d do you. Not over this weekend, cause I’m busy. So, you know, remember that you are one quality relationship and someone worthy will be pleased and happy someday.

  5. Ten Feet of Steel said,

  6. charismaticmegafauna said,

    Thanks, Mama Ass.
    Thanks, too, Tenfeet. The appetite is returning, slowly. But I’m already down a notch in the new belt I bought on Friday. Emotional turmoil is the best diet ever! Can’t wait to share it at the meeting this weekend.
    ETA:
    The man I rejected yesterday has continued to email me and plead his case, thereby evaporating the goodwill I felt toward him this morning.

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