Charismatic Megafauna by Quiconque

From three slips of paper found in the bottom of a box containing ink, nibs, and styluses:

(Page 1) A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 So, have you nothing more interesting to write?  What about your botanical buddy?  This pen makes your handwriting spiky–we like it.  (On reverse) You stink! [Doodles of a flower, an eye, and a spiral shell].  I see you, Stinkadoo. 

(Page 2) [In elaborate italics] I had such a strange dream.  Let me explain.  I am unconsumable.  Take your clothes off!  He stole his idee.  [In normal hand] Candy Perfume Girl.  Snakes–snake bracket.  What’s going on?  I can’t believe you. (Reverse) One dip lasts a long time.  Diane Keaton is getting herself in BIG trouble.  What would you do?  I’d leave the prisoners alone and get back to my life.  No good messing everything for the children.  You owe them more than you owe yourself.  Esp. selfish stuff, like loving a criminal.  Jesse, are you not coming into work today? No, I’ll see you tomorrow.  [Doodle of a heart with legs and two downward drooping arrows].

(Page 3) You stink.  Strike the concertina’s melancholy strain.  Then you’ll be desolee.  You’ve been a naughty, naughty girl.  And you know what happens to naughty girls, don’t you?  Helen’s a toad.  You and I are on the same stupidity wavelength!  Steal money this month.  (Along the left margin)  Be normal.  So how long can one dip last?  I was afraid this would be too dark.

Please note, all of the above was written by me, although I have absolutely no recollection of it, probably about 7 or 8 years ago.  Clearly, I need help.